Father Figure

When I was sixteen years old, I lost my father. I didn’t really understand that I had lost him until I was a few years older. In retrospect, I really might have lost him when I hit puberty.

When my parents got divorced, my dad stopped being my “dad,” and for a while he was a “father.” Yet, slowly, he dissolved into an estranged distant relative; the type of person you would only see during the holidays, or the odd third cousin you weren’t actually related to, but had to carry on an awkward conversation with for the sake of your grandmother.

What I lost in my father wasn’t so much him specifically, but instead it was the marred image of everything that I remembered of him - every memory he had been in - and everything that he will be absent from.

Memories of growing up… We would never fish again together and discuss the finer points of the Sunday morning comics. We will never wakeup early together, listening to smooth jazz on KSBR, while drinking coffee with too much cream. No longer does he take me garage-saling or camping or hiking. I will never again hear him call me “Poogie” from the sidelines of a soccer field.

Firsts he has already missed in my life: my first love, my first pet, my first big move, my first college degree, my first trip to Vegas, my first cigar, my first drive in the snow.

Worst of all are the milestones he has yet to miss, but will; memories we will never make. He will not be asked for my hand in marriage. He will not be there for my father-daughter dance or to walk me down the isle. He will not be there for the births of my children. He will miss me buying my first home. He will not see me receive my Bachelor’s degree.

I lost my father. Last I knew, he was living in Tennessee. I tried so hard to reach out to the man that called me “Poogie,” the man who was supposed to hold my hand and protect me from the world, the man I loved as “Dad,” respected as a “father,” and introduced as “Dave.” But, he broke my heart when I was twenty.

I wrote him a letter; gushing my heart out, I tried to invite him into my life with my words. I told him about work and school, about my love life, and about my first time moving into an apartment with friends. I was reaching out for that man I had once known.

My “father,” that strange man, used my handwritten letter as court evidence. He used my own words as proof that he was no longer legally responsible for my health insurance. He relegated our relationship to a financial burden. My health and finances were none of his concern.

Somewhere, I had lost his love. I had lost my father by his own choice and actions. I finally gave up. I lost an irreplaceable love.

Poems: Lost & Found

I found a whole bunch of my old poetry at Poetry.com. Here is some of my work from when I was in high school and early twenties.  Some of it I'm proud of, and some of it is crap.  Either way, I'm amused.

Life As I Know It

Things have been crazy lately.  So, bare with me as I play a little catch up.  I think I was a little overly ambitious with trying to move, start school, date and have my mom come and visit all in the same 2 weeks.

I'm mostly moved in with Nancy.  I'm living here now, and my mom and I spent the last two days rearranging and decorating my room.  Moving the cats was hilarious - I've never heard Dora meow more than while she was free range in my car, driving down the highway, while people drove by pointing and staring.  It's all working out nicely, though.  But, sheesh, I am SO sore.  My shoulders and wrists hurt from all the heavy lifting.

School started back up this past week as well.  I had my first Saturday class last weekend, and I think that I'll actually find geology an interesting field - Or at least the field trips will be awesome.  So far technical writing is okay, but I think I might actually need to read the text.  Ugh.  Whoever heard of putting in effort for school?!

On a sad note, a family friend lost a battle with acute myeloid leukemia last weekend.  Craig Brandemeier was a strong man, husband, son, brother, friend, and an inspiration.  I'm happy to have had him touch my life and my thoughts go out to his family.

On the lighter side of life, however, things have been going very (very) well with Jason.  It's so nice to meet a genuinely fun and sweet guy who is both cute and nerdy and also a gentleman.  I'm quite happy and he makes me all stupid.  I really hope this works out - So keep your fingers crossed.

My mom flew in for Labor Day weekend and I've been having a blast just hanging out with her.  We've been doing a lot of shopping and thrift store bargaining (thank the gods for student loans) to get some decor and furniture for my new digs.  Saturday we had dinner over at Nancy's family's - That went really well.  I wanted my mom to meet them, since I don't have too many people out here that she knows, and so that they would know an emergency contact for me just in case.  Sunday we redecorated more and then went out for Vietnamese and ice cream.  Good stuff.  And, today, Labor Day, we're considering checking out the Taste of Colorado downtown.  We'll see - Unfortunately my momma heads home tonight.  But, I think I might plan a little 3-day trip of my own back in November or such.  I just miss everyone so much.

And, as for our blogging attempt...  It's hard when life gets in the way.  I have the feeling I'll be the one doing most of the blogging, but Nancy might pop in now and then.  So, the next few posts, aside from the few pics I posted, will be catching up with our Book adventure!

~ Laura